I hope mine doesn't look like that
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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