Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
