chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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