i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
