Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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