Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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