Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
