I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
