you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
