I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
