My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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