dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
