Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
