the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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