i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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