Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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