3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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