I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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