Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
