i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
