mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
