my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
