you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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