tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
