I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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