The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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