After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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