I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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