Got a toothbrush?
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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