i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
