I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
