Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
