I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
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I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.