Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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