Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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