I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
