So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
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Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same