mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.