this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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