Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.