I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
