I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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