I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
