U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
