he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
