Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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