I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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