a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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