I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
