he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
