So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
