I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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