I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
