you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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