Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
