I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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