I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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